Sunday, August 7, 2011

Morbid Nursery Rhymes...

My kids were complaining to me that I don't let them watch Kick Buttowski on TV (because I think it's stupid).  I explained that any cartoon where the sole focus is farts, burps, butts, or other bodily fluids is not to be on their TV docket.  And I also reminded them that because I'm such a fantasy monster freak, they actually get to see quite a bit of unusual TV that most of their friends DON'T get to see (My mom showing them the movie "Alien Vs. Predator" is a story for another time!).   But today, my mind wandered to the old nursery rhymes (who even knows why!) and I realized that MANY of them are freakishly morbid and disturbing!  Seriously!  They need some kind of rating system!  Just take a look at these...

Three blind mice... three blind mice...
See how they run... see how they run...
They all ran after the farmer's wife... who cut off their tales with a carving knife...!!!
Um... I don't care for mice running around my house, blind or not, but I certainly don't want to be hacking at them with a large knife!  Yikes!

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife but couldn't keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well.
Apparently Peter's wife didn't get that restraining order in time...

Ring-around-a-rosie... pocket full of posies
ashes... ashes... we all fall down!
Yeah... this little diddy refers to all of the dead people rotting after The Black Plague... let that keep you warm at night!

Rock-a-bye baby... on the treetop... When the wind blows... the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks... the cradle will fall...
And down will come baby... cradle and all!
Where is 241-KIDS when you need it?  These parents put the baby's crib up in a TREE for cryin' out loud!

There was an old woman who lived in a show.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do!
She game them some broth... without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly... and sent them to bed.
Ahhhhh--- good times in that household!  Despite the fact that this family lives in an area worse than the slums, the over-wrought, apparently-single mother BEATS all of her kids each night.  I'm sorry... who thought these were good stories for children?!!

I did a report in college about the effects of television on children.  I was bummed to see that in numerous sources, my all-time favorite childhood cartoon, Tom & Jerry, was often called out for it's gratuitous violence.  Apparently every 7 seconds, there is an act of violence in each episode.

I don't think I'm as worried about this anymore-- because if my kids aren't phased by the terrifying nursery rhymes told to them as toddlers, they can probably handle Tom smacking Jerry with a frying pan!  But they're still not watching Kick Buttowski... b/c that show is just stupid!

Friday, July 1, 2011

No "You Tube" in the 80's... Whew!

I love technology.  I love cell phones, and computers, and the World Wide Web.  I love my smart phone, and my DVR, and flat screen TV's.  But I'm SO thankful that some of these technologies were NOT invented in the 80's when I was in high school!!  Because if You Tube had been invented, then somewhere, out there, there would be a video of my "Vote For Mags" rap.  Junior year of high school, I decided that the best way to appeal to our very diverse school population was to rap my student council speech.  So I got a DJ-friend of mine to mix some background music, grabbed a funky hat and the most "parachute-y" pants I could find, and braved my way in front of 440 people...

Unfortunately, there was only one microphone.  Should I put it with my voice?  Or the music?
I chose my voice.

Imagine a spiral-permed, white girl trying to rap on the school gymnasium floor in front of multi-hundred students all staring down, open-mouthed from the bleachers.  They couldn't hear any music past the first row of kids - but they could all hear ME loud and clear...
Maggie... Vote for Maggie!
Come on!  Come on!
Maggie... Vote for Maggie...!

It wasn't a pretty sight.
In my head, I had imagined the entire student body standing up and clapping along...
In reality, there was shocked silence... and a few laughs...
And, needless to say, I didn't win that vice-presidential election.

But I did better than the girl who played the piccolo for her speech! 

I'm just thankful that there isn't a video record saved out there in cyberspace!!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Never Trust a Puppet...

Everyone once in a while, I get a chance to be alone in my car on a weekday morning.  If there are not little ears around, I can turn on the Bob & Tom Morning Show and general hilarity ensues.  My favorite guest is definitely Heywood Banks.  Author of Big Butter Jesus and Toast, this guy can make me laugh until I become a danger on the road (due to the tears from laughing so hard).  True to form, last week, Heywood debuted a new song, Never Trust a Puppet.  And the Bob and Tom website has the audio... ENJOY...!

Sometimes, musical genius just doesn't get the recognition it deserves...
;) Mags

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Technology is crazy...!

So I'm testing out writing a blog post from my iPhone!! Yes... There's an app for that!!

These newfangled mobile phones are just amazing. Remember when all a telephone did was CALL somebody? And it was attached to the wall with this long cord? I used to have to snake the phone cord from the hallway, down the hall, under my door, and into my room if I wanted a private conversation! Now "talking" is something I rarely do on my phone!!-- Because my phone is also used for texting, gaming, reading, Facebook, navigation, etc. It holds my email, my calendar, shopping lists, books, photos, and more. These 40Gs of memory are packed full with various bits of information! I wonder what Alexander Graham bell would say if he could see us now!!

Of course our phone etiquette needs some work. My friend, Steph, recently informed me that I've become a "Text Turd" ... A person who can't leave her phone. It's either in my hand or in my pocket. I seem to have developed this insatiable need to have a tangible hold to The Grid. Being "off the grid" makes me feel physically uneasy... Like when I was a teenager and my Mom would vacuum the house-- I couldn't stand not knowing if the phone was ringing. (I still hate the sound of the vacuum!) at least now, I cam set my phone to "vibrate!"

I saw this funny guy on Conan who was talking about how technology is amazing-- yet still nobody's happy. Check this out:

:) Mags

Friday, April 29, 2011

What...? There was Royal Wedding Today?? ;)

I hope nothing (else) significant is happening in the world today... because every station has been tuned in to William and Catherine's Royal Wedding!  I even went to a Wedding Party at 4AM this morning!  

 My friend, Sally, was ready for the celebration with scones and crumpets (YUM!), tea and (mercifully!) coffee.  We had turned down the sound on the TV and, instead, added our own commentary... I mean, with the absence of Joan Rivers (what's a Red Carpet without Joan asking the guests "who" they are wearing?!!), we needed to add our own comedic retorts!

And of course, it got me thinking about my own wedding... and what comical things happened back on Dec. 30, 1995...  

First off, my grandfather, Grandpa Paul, ran over his own foot with his car the morning of the rehearsal dinner.  He had started to back-up the car, then stopped to open the door for some reason and stepped out??? - And he accidentally took his other foot off of the break and the car rolled backwards... over his own foot!!!  Sadly this happened in Virginia at the beginning of my grandparents 12-hour drive to my wedding... but he ended up driving here anyway (with a majorly smooshed foot!) and wore a slipper for the rehearsal dinner and wedding (good thing his feet are hidden in the family picture! - LOL!).  Fortunately his foot wasn't broken... not that he'd have known right away given that he refused to see a doctor!  *shakes head*... silly Grandpa!! ;)

The other thing that still gives my husband, David, and I chuckles is the video.  My Uncle graciously agreed to film the wedding from the church balcony which was so wonderful of him.  After the honeymoon, when we watched the show, we noticed a few frames that caused a literal LOL ...  At the back of our church was a beautiful and tall wooden cross.  And you know how, with cameras, you can turn the camera sideways to get a good "long shot?"  Well, my uncle momentarily forgot he was using a VIDEO camera and mid-way through the video the entire screen turns on its edge!!

(And since turning a video camera on it's edge doesn't work quite the same way, 
you still couldn't see the full cross!)

This is what it *should* have looked like!

The family that laughs together... stays together, right?  And I'm sure William and Kate have a few LOL moments themselves.  You got any funny wedding stories?  I'd love to hear them!

:) Mags

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Who Says You Can't Be A Balloon Animal Artist??

Found the BEST blog today - a lady is re-creating all of the Muppet characters in balloons... as in Balloon Animal Muppets!!  These make all the rest of those balloon animals created by the traveling restaurant balloon animal artist just look sad... ;)  I love the tag line on her blog: "What do you do with a B.A. in English...? You make balloon animals."   My mother will LOVE that!! ;)

Here are some of my personal favorites:

The Swedish Chef


Cookie Monster

(LOVE the little puppet stick under his arm!)

Waldorf & Statler - the best movie critics of all time!
(I won't make any mention of the fact where Statler's nose looks kind-of.... well.... you know!)

Want to see more?  Visit her blog!
:) Mags

Monday, March 21, 2011

Why Dogs Bite People

Got this great email from my Mom - one of the few "forwards" that actually made me do a literal LOL. I've been actually guilty of dressing up our own dogs in various Halloween costumes... I think I'm lucky that neither one of them have come after me while I sleep!


Got any good photos of your humiliated pet? Feel free to email me at mags at!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Bizarre State Laws ... Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana

I have this 10,000+ Cool Facts App on my iPhone, and every once in a while, the cool fact is some obscure and crazy state law like this:

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry ice-cream in your back pocket.

The best part is wondering what in the world happened that necessitated this law to be created in the first place. Who carries ice cream in any pocket?? What kind of problem did it cause that required police intervention? Is it okay to carry it in your front pocket?

So I did some Googling and found these other interesting laws that are still on the books:

From Kentucky...
  • One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.
  • Dogs may not molest cars.
  • A woman may not buy a hat without her husband’s permission.
From Ohio...
  • It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. (I'm not the best at geography... but I'm pretty sure there are NO oceans and therefore NO whales in Ohio!)
  • It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
  • Specific to Canton, OH: If one loses their pet tiger, they must notify the authorities within one hour.
From Indiana...
  • If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices.
  • One may not sniff glue.
  • Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

You know I'll be back with the crazy laws from other states soon... because I'm SURE there are others!

In the meantime, I'm staying clear of Indiana between October and March... PEEEEEE-U!!
;) Mags

Friday, March 18, 2011

I SCREAM.....!!

So apparently Lady Gaga is suing a London ice creamery for trademark infringement.... They have an ice cream called "Baby Gaga."

But more disturbing than the name (or that it costs $23 a serving - Wh-at?!!) is the fact that Baby Gaga ice cream make with human breast milk. Seriously - the ice cream shop pays local women for their breast milk.

*Pause while I throw up in my mouth a little*

According to the founder of this unusual treat, "No one's done anything interesting with ice cream in the last hundred years."

So adding a little local milk is the answer??!


I wonder how long before this ends up on Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmerman?!!

I think I'll pass on dessert...!
:) Mags

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Revealing The Bus Stop Superhero...

Our son, Luke, has always been super-creative. This year, in 1st grade, his teacher asked the class to "get the kitten out of the tree." She passed out a sheet of paper with a tall tree on it and a hapless kitten stuck within the limbs. Most kids drew a fire truck or a person with a ladder...

Luke staged a 4-prong rescue:
  1. A set of paratroopers jumped from a plane flying overhead to try to snag the kitten on their decent.
  2. A fire-breathing dragon ambled in to burn down the tree and
  3. A tank lumbered to the base of the tree to catch the kitten as it fell from the incinerated tree
  4. Finally, if all of that failed, someone brought that ladder. :)
He's ALWAYS ignored "the box" completely and done things his own way!

So it wasn't a surprise when a few years ago, he created THE BUS STOP SUPERHERO! For at least 6 months, Luke dressed up in a different superhero concoction and walked with us to Jack's bus stop. A Darth Vader Mask + a Ninja Turtle Sword + Batman Cape one day... a light saber + Wolverine Claw + Power Ranger costume the next:

Sometimes, The BUS STOP SUPERHERO enlists the help of his trusty partner, Princess Leah. Don't let her name fool you... she has made many older kids cry with her superpowers...!

And at the end of the day, the BUS STOP SUPERHERO crashes hard in his lair... ready to protect and serve another day.

No matter what the costume, we always knew we were protected at the bus stop when THE BUS STOP SUPERHERO WAS AROUND!!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Good Advice for Raising Sons...

If there was anyone who totally GETS raising boys, it's comedian, Tim Hawkins. This guy is hilarious - and I especially identified with this clip:

My Mom and Aunt ALWAYS told us to "go sit on the pot" when we were feeling sick!! Stomach ache? Go sit on the pot. Headache?? Go sit on the pot. Bleeding out our eyes??! Go sit on the pot...! ;)

And the scary thing is that's pretty much my own go-to answer to my boys when they've got an ailment.... :)

And those belated warnings of wisdom?
Yeah... I do that too.
I'm a helpful Mom that way...
:) Mags

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Sign Of The Times

I was at the old hometown mall last week - it's been a while. A lot of the same shops were there: 3 department stores, Lerner, Lenscrafters, Spencer gifts, etc. I had to laugh as I walked by Lane Bryant - there was a sign out front that said "We Have Jeggings!"

In case you don't know, Lane Bryant is a plus-size women's store. And before you get your panties in a wad that I'm trashing overweight people, I've waffled across 3 sizes in the last 10 years and have shopped at Lane Bryant before so I feel qualified to say, "If you are wearing any size that ends in "W," Jeggings will NOT flatter your figure!" Honestly, jeggings won't flatter anyone's figure and really shouldn't be worn by anyone older than 10 years old, but that's just my opinion.

Speaking of signs, here are a few others that just aren't quite right, but will make you laugh just the same!

Found any funny signs? Feel free to post a link in the comments section,

:) Mags

Monday, February 28, 2011

"Despair" Monday - Apathy

I know your work week has already started... but now that you're halfway through your day, I bet you're starting to drag. If so, this Despair sign is the one for you:

Happy Monday!
:) Mags

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Twisted Valentines...

My MOM is the most hilarious and awesome person I know... thought I'd share the Valentine cards she sent out this year...

Yes... you read that last part right... there's a REASON Peggy got so many of those darn heart cards...!

And here are some other Relationship Funnies... maybe you'll find one you can use for your own card next year!

Happy Valentine's Day!